Recipes

Mix egg and feta in a bowl. Add mint if you're feeling fancy.  Drop a spoonful of the cheese mixture on an unrolled sheet of phyllo dough and fold into a triangle. Melt butter and brush each triangle. Bake at 350 for 40 minutes. 

Emily has escaped from Miami, home to the primordial soup of soulless art. She is now forced to eat stew to warm her cold heart. 

Chop roast into cubes. Brown in butter.  

Quarter potatoes, chop carrots, chop as many mushrooms as you can (it doesn't matter which type of shrooms; they're all good for  managing stress).  Add thyme, parsley, rosemary. Throw all in a big pot with bone broth and that cube of spices. Maybe red wine? Boil for like 5 minutes. Simmer for an hour and a half. 

1 protein (fried chicken, roasted chicken, marinated steak, or lentils - rotate based off lunar cycle)

3 cans of beans (drain, rinse). Must be different.  

Quartered cherry tomatoes

Add spinach (tear if necessary) or chopped red onions or both.

Pick 2 herbs (any), chopped. 

2 bottles of marinated anything (Emily likes artichokes and sundried tomatoes)

Half bottle of Kalamata olives, no pits

Pick one cheese (feta, mozzarella, goat)

Add avocado or pomegranate seeds

Mix oil, mustard, lemon, salt. 

Fridge. 

 Dust chicken breasts lightly with flour. Sauté in butter and oil until browned on all sides. Remove. Cool slightly. Place in shallow baking dish. Spread with mustard. Cook onion in same pan as chicken. Add mushrooms. Cook until soft. Add parsley, salt and pepper to taste. Blend in cream. Let it just heat through. Pour cream mixture over the chicken. Bake in 350 degree oven for 30-35 minutes. Make sure chicken is cooked through. Taste sauce and correct seasoning if necessary. Add lemon juice.

Crust:  Combine crumbs sugar and butter, mixing well. Spread over bottom and sides of a 9” pie pan, pressing firmly.
Bake 350* F for 8 minutes. 

Filling:  Beat 4 egg yolks until light yellow color. This takes about 10 minutes (This is beating air into your eggs). Add sweetened condensed milk. Beat until combined. STIR in key lime juice until thickened. Pour into graham cracker crust. Bake at 325* F for 10 minutes (raw egg safety). Cool. Refrigerate at least 3 hours. Overnight even better.

Layer the tomato slices evenly in the pie shell. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, basil, and chives. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the mayonnaise and cheddar, then spread the mixture evenly over the tomatoes. Bake at 400 for 30-35 minutes, or until the cheese is melted and slightly golden.

No Knead Bread: https://bittmanproject.com/recipe/no-knead-bread/

Fry bacon or pancetta. Saute shrooms and shallots. Add spinach, white wine, and garlic. Add gnocchi, then heavy cream and parmesan. Nigella scrubbed this recipe off the internet like her leaked unsavory pictures. 

Wash your salmon so you don't eat parasites. 

Mix honey, soy sauce, and the a spoonful of the giant ginger garlic paste from the Grand Bazaar Asian Grocery Store. Paint your fish's flesh. Skin side on your foil, duh. 

Bake at 350 F for 25.  Garnish with chopped green onions or scallions. 

Multiple Michelin starred chefs have begged her for the recipe, but the secret is Emily uses the Duncan Hines Angel Food Cake Mix. 

Just make your own whipped cream and add berries.  https://www.duncanhines.com/cake-mix/signature/signature-angel-food-cake-mix

Soak mussels in cold water. In large pot, add chopped leeks, garlic, white wine, and curry powder. Bring to boil. Add Mussels. Cover lid and cook on high for 3 minutes. Do not serve to unhappy couples unless you want a bad night. 

Quarter potatoes. Douse in olive oil. Season with onion powder, mustard, garlic powder, salt, pepper. Roast at 375 for 45 minutes.

Just go to the butcher. You have to go to the butcher. 

Use butter and rosemary. 

Rinse asparagus. Add lemon and salt.  Roast at 350 until you feel like it. 

Challenge a deipnosophist to an eating contest. 

Act like there is something seriously physically wrong with your dinner guests if they complain about their pee smelling funny. 

Slice and salt eggplant to bring out water. Dunk in egg, panko mix and fry. Layer with sauce and mozzarella and parmesan. Repeat again and again.  Cook at 400 for 1 hour. 

Over my dead body. 

It's the Julia Child recipe and I use the fucking crockpot. 

https://www.lacucinaitaliana.com/italian-food/italian-dishes/minne-sant-agata-authentic-sicilian-recipe?refresh_ce=

Pause and reflect after each step. 

Recall the time Emily's ex sued his rape victim for slander. 

Re-read long-form Buzzfeed article about the same ex's connection to Peter Thiel and the Anti-Woke Film Festival.  

Read through his depositions on Miami-Dade Civil Court. 

Laugh when garnishing with a cherry for the nip because he filed suit on St. Agatha's Day. God wins!

Marinate lamb chunks overnight in lemon and rosemary. Skewer with tomatoes and peppers. Grill.